10 Things Not To Say To An Interview Candidate

“Are those real?”


“Let’s see, Mr…uh…no, there’s no way I’m going to be able to pronounce that, so I’ll be calling you…er…Steve.”


“Sorry about the delay – we just need to clean up the mess left by the last candidate and air the place out a bit.” (to a passing employee) “Can you fetch me a mop? And something absorbent.”


“No, no, I mean; where are you from originally?”


“Before we begin, we’re legally obligated to ask you whether you need a safe word?”


“What benefits do we offer? How about this – you get the benefit of getting my coffee in the morning and giving me all the credit for your hard work, including any and all bonus payments. Oh, and sometimes you get to work on Sundays.”


“We like to think of the company as a big, happy family. Like the Manson family.”


“Right if you’ll just pop your clothes off then we can begin. No, just leave them in a neatly folded pile in the corner. NO. Do. Not. Make. Eye contact.”


“Oh Christ, look at your shoes – they’re just awful. And that jacket… Who dresses you?”


“…And that’s why I believe Hitler was right all along.*”


And the bonus…


“Let me just say that I for one look forward to seeing more of you in the next round. Maybe even all of you.”


*callback, yo.

10 Things Not To Say In A Job Interview

(taking a swig from a hip flask) “It’s always noon somewhere, right?”


“To cut a long story short, I had a great lawyer and they couldn’t prove shit.  But yeah, it was me.  Man it feels great to get that off my chest – gotta’ love that double jeopardy law!”


“Weaknesses? Um, let’s see. Oh yeah!  Other men’s wives, know what I’m saying, playa?”


“After all that it turned out that I was just being paranoid and there was nothing going on.  But my boss holds a grudge so he took out a restraining order.”


“How good is your internet filter?”


“What’s your policy on sexual harassment, because apparently I’m not very good at ‘boundaries’ and I really can’t take being fired again.”


“Where do I see myself in five years?  Day release.”


“They say it’s addictive, but I’m not convinced.  Besides, it’s a great pick-me-up when you’re stuck at work and you’re just not feeling it, you know?”


“But the way I see it, it’s not really a crime until someone presses charges.”


“…and that’s why I believe Hitler was right all along.”


And a bonus…

“Describe myself in five words?  Easy, I’ll do it in one: fucking legend.”