How To Be A Blogger of Repute

Bloggers of repute write knowledgeably and engagingly about topics people are interested in. Here’s a recommended example:

4th Street Review

I on the other hand write this sort of thing:

“Gather round folks. Women and chillun to the front. I see you guys at the back there; pretending like that’s you on the ID. What is that, your brother’s driving licence? It won’t work, not with that chubby little baby face. You’ll be happy enough with it when you’re 40.

Now, I didn’t get where I am today just by drinking more white wine than is good for me. I had to get here first because here’s where they serve the sauce. To clarify, I’m not a white wine drinker, can’t even call myself an equal opportunities drinker – it’s red all the way or else.

I don’t believe in compromise.

But I digress; you want to know my secret, the secret of my success? Hey that sounds like a Bob Dylan lyric if he ever wrote a blog about how damn good he is at stuff.

Firstarters I like to give advice. Like advice on how to be so successful that every now and then one person will read your blog or at least find it. Here’s how to give advice:

1) ‘Doing’ is for people of little or no education or imagination – if you want to give advice don’t ‘do’, ‘think’. Thinking is how clever people with higher levels of education differentiate themselves from non-thinking ‘doers’ who lack the requisite sophistication to use words such as ‘requisite’ and ‘sophistication’. And remember: experience is over-rated.

2) In order to demonstrate that you are thinking (they will assume about their problem), scrunch your face up really tight, like you’re trying to fit it into a really packed cupboard, or you’re remembering the bitter aftertaste of sucking on a lemon that’s been soaked in iodine and isn’t really a lemon at all but is in fact a weak black hole that’s winning the fight.

3) Laughter is the best medicine. However, it is considered impolite or even insensitive to begin a course of treatment while the advicee is explaining his or her problem.

4) Platitudes are your friend. If you can’t think of any, just say ‘oh no you deserve so much better’ putting the emphasis on so and much and pausing slightly as you say those words (that’s the secret). Then distract them with a magic trick.

Secondly, I like non-sequiturs. “Later traitor!” yelled the Queen as she had someone beheaded for high treason. Just like that.

Remember, having an actual point to make is bourgeois, demonstrating or imparting knowledge is a waste of time because lies are prettier than facts and we all love the pretty things.

Never give in, never compromise. Eventually the world will see that you were entirely correct to dedicate a blog to alternative uses for old, soiled doilies.

Best of all, write crap like: The world is flat – it’s your perspective that’s round. People love that shit cos it sounds deep but it means nothing.

Go you.”

10 thoughts on “How To Be A Blogger of Repute

  1. There’s no success like failure and failure’s no success at all.

    I appreciate how you validate point three with point four, so you are indeed a success. I can offer you one or two pieces of advice (being massively successful myself): 1. One of the greatest risks in life is letting fear get in the way of discovering your true self and 2. People will always gravitate towards you when you’re being authentic and humble. I’d bet on the latter, but I could always be wrong.

    (Actually no, I couldn’t.)

    Anyway, in addition to not being serious about any of the above (except Bob Dylan, because I’m always serious about Bob), thanks for the mention. I will enjoy whatever accolades I receive with my glass of Pinot Grigio.

      1. That was my point, I wasn’t really being serious (a person doesn’t usually offer to ban a particular wine from the world because they like it). In general, I don’t often drink wine. However, I’m working my way through all of the holiday gift wine I received, so I did actually have a glass of Riesling last night. Never, even politely, mention that you like the wine a person serves you if you don’t really like it. It’ll haunt you for years.

  2. Now I’m just too distracted because you said “of repute” and I am now singing a line from Les Mis where Jean Val Jean says “I run a business of repute” except now it’s “I am a blogger of repute.”
    I am a loser.

    1. I think you should take that further, rewrite all the lyrics to make it a song about your blogging reputation – that’s a post right there (you’re welcome).

      Admittedly I can’t guarantee that it would be a winning post that would attract you worldwide blogging fame and acclaim, but I’d read it. So there’s that.

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