When Star Trek Encountered The Internet

Captain’s blog 26112013 point 3.142. Starfleet has assigned the Enterprise to explore a region of space called the internet: the final, final frontier. Early readings have been unsettling to my crew who’ve found the internet mostly to consist of pictures of kittens and film clips of ladies doing bedroom things. There’s a cat pun in there somewhere. Not always in the bedroom. How about ‘the internet: it’s for pussies’. Note to self: edit this properly before Starfleet reads it.

I’ve asked science officer Spock for a theory but all he’s offered is E=MC2. I’m certain that’s a joke from the movie Loaded Weapon 1 but when he pointed out that we’re from the 1960s and that movie came out in 1991 and therefore logically he couldn’t have stolen it… well…

I had no reply.

Then he theorised that the internet exists in an ever-present now – that in or ‘on’ the internet phenomenon there’s no past, no future, no concept of time or space here at all; that we’ve stumbled into a singularity. Sounds like bullshit to me, but you have to let Spock have his little moments or he throws a tantrum.

Bones has offered no real insight into the biology of the phenomenon, either. “Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor not a social media consultant,” note to self: I really must fire him; he’s a real negative nelly and an awful wingman.

Speaking of which, the crew informs me that the internet is full of women on MyFace.Pinterest and that the locals have strange customs like “tweeting” along to their preferred cultural abominations including something called a downton abbey. I’ve assigned an away team to explore and placed myself on it just in case the women are, well I was going to say hot but why pretend that I’m not a massive space whore?

Meme me up Scottie.

Captain’s blog: Supplemental: the crew have uncovered evidence that the internet phenomenon is aware of the Federation – full schematics of the Enterprise and detailed files on our missions are easily found. And details of our interpersonal relationships, under the disturbing subheading slash fiction. For the record I’ve never even touched Spock. Except that one time in Tijuana, but that was for a bet.

More encouragingly, my crew and I have come to the tentative conclusion that the internet phenomenon is not hostile to our values – it just chooses to communicate entirely in excessively, often sexually, aggressive posturing and pictographic ‘gifs’, which are not unlike hieroglyphs that move but lack artistry.

But it’s not all bad. Entire primitive cultures appear to have been built around us as though we’re gods. Definitely gonna’ get laid.

Kirk out.

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6 thoughts on “When Star Trek Encountered The Internet

  1. Meme me up Scottie? That shouldn’t be funny…

    For the longest time – until maybe last year? – I had absolutely no idea how meme was pronounced. And if I still hadn’t known, this would’ve cleared up any confusion. Very educational.

      1. No apology necessary, I laughed. If you feel like apologizing for something, you can apologize for the fact that I watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. It was not nearly as good as it was in 2003, when my best friend and I liked it so much that she designed her senior prom dress to look like Kate Hudson’s.

      2. Aaaaaannnd

        I’m all out of how to lose a guy in 10 days quotes.

        But on reflection I think go frost yourself is going to become my new comeback of choice. So thank you for that…

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