How To Win Or At Least End An Argument Part 1: Some Simple Techniques

In honour of the conclusion to the latest twists and turns in the soap opera we used to call American politics, it’s worth brushing up on your own powers of argument and persuasion.  In the coming weeks, this lecture series will demonstrate the methods for winning or at least ending arguments using science.

In this series we will avoid jargon like ‘straw man’ or ‘ad hominem logical fallacy’ except where we don’t, because such language doesn’t get you laid.

We’ll start things off lightly with some simple techniques appropriate for any occasion, be it pub, children’s party or board meeting.

Understand Your Opponent’s Jargon

Debating jargon like ‘cognitive dissonance’ et al should be avoided at all costs because you have some self-respect.  Likewise anything that looks, smells or tastes like Latin, such as ‘et al’.  But you need to understand jargon so that you can properly call your opponent a pompous douchebag when they use it.

There are many formal and informal logical fallacies, but here are some of the more common ones:

Ad hominem: if he or she calls you a twat, that’s ad hominem – it’s not about the merits or otherwise of your argument(s), but all about you personally. Example: ‘Obama was born in Kenya.’

Straw man: an argument that is misrepresented by your opponent as superficially similar to the one you actually made, but which crucially is indefensible.  Example: “it’s necessary to balance civil rights and the state’s powers of intrusion.”  “So what you’re saying is that you want the terrorists to win.”

False dichotomy: an apparent choice between two options, that actually isn’t.  A common example would be freedom of the individual vs security of the people, but we’ve already used that one.  Example: you have a choice between a burger or a pie.  But the menu says that you can have a pie filled with burgers.  Or lasagne.

Confirmation bias: we actually all do this so it’s good to be aware of it.  Your brain retains things that reinforce your bias and edits out contradictory evidence.  Example: I think that people who call themselves ‘spiritual but not religious’ are wankers – every time I meet a wanker who calls him-or-herself spiritual, that impression is reinforced.  There are many otherwise lovely people who also describe themselves in such terms, but I can’t recall ever having met a single one, even if I have lived with one or two of them over the years.

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That’s enough of all that.  Let’s get on with winning.

Use Jargon To Your Advantage

At some point one of you will become even more pretentious than I am.  If your opponent reaches this point first, say something like ‘I’ll see your straw man and raise you an ad hominem: you’re a dickhead.’

This is an exception to the ‘no jargon’ rule because technically you’re being funny, which good-natured liars claim makes you attractive.

Use Your Words

At some point in the argument you will experience a sinking feeling, a gut realisation that your opponent is more clued-up on the subject at hand, be it who was a better space captain: Kirk or Picard, or why you should do the washing up more often.

You will find that the tide is turning against you.  But at this point it is important to keep your head and use your words.  It doesn’t matter that he or she can reel off statistics that prove that actually the Eurozone isn’t the UK’s biggest political and economic concern; or that he or she has taken the bins out every week for the past seven months and it’s your turn.

All you have to do is say the following:

“Ah, well now you’re talking semantics.”

Because no one actually quite knows what that word means or even if it’s a bad thing to do. Crucially, they won’t want you to know that they don’t know that a word you’re pretending to know is not in fact a word that either of you knows.  Win.

Use Your Words Part 2

But say that your opponent has deployed the ‘semantics’ argument.  You’re not sure how to react.  Here’s what you say:

“No I’m not.”

Ball. Back. In. Your. Face.  Loser.

Win.

Introduce A New Element

Men who’ve been married for a long time will know that this comes instinctively to wives.

You think you’re fighting about whose responsibility it was to buy more fabric softener, and out of nowhere she sucker-punches you with ‘well I still can’t believe that you said what you did to my aunt Sheila, you know how sensitive she is. And while we’re on the subject, would it kill you to put the toilet seat down once in a while?’  And boom, instant fluster.

Your opponent thinks you’re arguing about the merits of expanding the permanent security council of the UN, suddenly BAM! ‘Yeah, well camembert is just shit brie’.

Whoa, I just totally changed your perspective and stuff.

Use Your Fists

Pretty self-explanatory, and afterwards they’ll have quite forgotten whatever rapier-like point they were about to use to pierce through your entire argument and leave you looking like a small-minded bigot.  Win.

The caveat here is that if your opponent is bigger than you, or looks like a biter, you’ll probably get beaten to a pulp.  On the plus side, this will mean that your opponent has lost his or her temper and therefore you’ve won by default.  Win.

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The rest of this series will go into a lot more detail about a variety of options, including the invention of fictional experts and studies and the advantage of getting your opponent very, very drunk.

Next time: the proper use of the filibuster.

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6 thoughts on “How To Win Or At Least End An Argument Part 1: Some Simple Techniques

  1. Lectorem delectando pariterque monendo – to quote Horace.

    And scientifically speaking (and your instructions are based on science, right?), women are more attracted to men who are funny and are more likely to date them (as opposed to someone who’s not, all other things being equal). So no one’s lying, although humor is rather subjective so it doesn’t actually mean much.

    You left out my favorite – associative fallacy.

    1. But there’s the kicker – all other things being equal… it’s not a magic bullet.

      Also, at risk of making a crass generalisation, women tend to find witty men more attractive rather than pratfall-funny men. And wit’s a sign of intelligence, which is an attractive quality itself.

      And here’s the ‘science’ bit – I once asked my sister and her friends about this and their response was: funny’s not important compared to other things such as actually being attractive, intelligent, kind, confident, charming and, obviously, being over 6 foot tall with a beard and keen sense of style. And good shoes.

      I dunno, I’m maybe being half-serious. Besides, as you say, funny is subjective, and so is who or what qualities different people find attractive.

      regarding the fallacy – there are so many of the damn things, and I figured I’d already dragged out the soapbox with confirmation bias, so I dropped that one. My apologies.

      1. The only way to measure whether humor matters is to do it when all other variables are equal. So no, it’s not a magic bullet, but it’s not inconsequential either (especially in a long term situations).

        It’s good you’re not entirely serious because beards – no…most of the time. And being funny probably falls somewhere above charming and below kind. It could be worse, you could be female. Science has proven several times over that not much matters except being physically attractive.

      2. Realised I missed a trick – my first response to you should have been ‘ah, well now you’re talking semantics’.

        I do genuinely think that we all overplay the seductive power of laughter, but when we get right down to it, it’s all about which traits individuals favour.

        Personally speaking, the quickest turn-off for me is a lack of a sense of humour. So I guess that means I’m being a hypocrite about this…

        Round these parts beards remain fashionable, although I keep reading that we’ve hit peak beard.

        You can prove anything with science. Although my understanding is that the trait most men (subconsciously) favour most highly in their women is loyalty. Which would explain a lot.

        And standing up for men, we’re definitely not so shallow that hot-ness is our sole concern…

      3. That would’ve been good, I do like to win.

        Beards are still fashionable here too and it’s almost November, so they’ll become even more so for a while. Beards are also thought to be visually indicative of good parenting ability – something to think about if you chose (or have chosen) to grow a beard.

        I imagine loyalty is a trait discovered after whatever criteria are used to perceive attractiveness initially…? And no, men are never shallow. Women aren’t either. Sarcasm aside, I don’t really believe it’s the sole concern of most people (or at least the good ones).

      4. Re loyalty – reputation would come into it. Again, speaks volumes about our little societal prejudices…

        Sadly I’m too fair to be able to grow a proper beard. My parents likewise – and they were pretty damn good as parents (long as one avoids using me as an indicator of their abilities, of course).

        And you’re right of course – some people can be pretty shallow. But there are enough decent people that like having actual conversations with one another that it’s not quite time to give up hope on the species.

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