Friday’s Dictatorial Mental Exercise

Here’s a fun-for-a-given-value-of-fun game next time you’re in the pub and run out of things to say to your companions.  I call it ‘dictator’.  For reasons we don’t need to get into here, you’ve become the king/queen of the world, a benevolent overlord and/or vicious tyrant.

The object of the game is to make a list of the petty things you would ban and/or the petty things you would make people do, for no reason other than the fact that you can.  You then exchange your list with a friend’s.  Then you bicker drunkenly into the night about how ridiculously petty your friend is and how it’s a damn good thing that your friend isn’t king/queen of the world because, frankly, what’s so bad about Pinterest?

If I were king of the world, here’s what I’d ban:

  • Pinot Grigio
  • People who talk too much about how fond they are of cheese (camembert is demonstrably not the same thing as an orgasm)
  • Any talk of a sequel to Bladerunner
  • Any sequel to Bladerunner
  • Chalk-striped suits and polyester generally
  • Media coverage of the Twitter spats of minor celebrities engaged in a ritual dance of mutual self-promotion

And here’s what I’d make happen:

  • I’d require newspapers with which I disagree feature a large disclaimer on the front page explaining how the entire contents of the paper are fictional, even the bits that are true
  • I’d change the British national anthem to When the Brits Come Rolling Back by Tom Robinson
  • And the American one to the version Hendrix played at Woodstock
  • Calamari in elementary/primary school meals – squid breed like absolute bastards, so we might as well all get a taste for them when we’re young
  • Standardised power cables for all electronics across the world, because I keep losing mine
  • I’d require some level of production values on the deliberately leaked sex tapes of minor celebrities engaged in a ritual dance of self-promotion.  Because if you’re gonna’ do it, you might as well do it properly

And please do feel free to share your own lists – don’t pretend you’re not as self-righteous as everyone else on the internet.


11 thoughts on “Friday’s Dictatorial Mental Exercise

  1. I like your list. Off the top of my head, my first thought was that I’d make it a law that anyone who wanted to buy turntables or any other electronic music-making device must also purchase a guitar, drums or other actual instrument and reach a minimum level of proficiency. My hope is they would forget about the electronic music altogether or at least just write better songs.

    1. Interesting idea, but what would the sentence be for law breakers?

      I think it should be appropriate – lock them in a room with Milli Vanilli songs playing on a loop until they’re really, REALLY sorry.

  2. Oh crap. I wanted to be King…had so planned on it. Okay, I’ll settle for vice-King as long as you don’t make me have to attend funerals, ribbon cutting ceremonies and you declare Christmas valid only every four years. What’s for dinner? …hope we’re having those big slobbering drumsticks.

    1. Well the rules of the game are that you get to be king – no need to settle for deputy.

      Just for you, if I were king I’d direct funding into genetic research to breed special fowl that have 8 legs and 8 wings apiece.

  3. Ban: Seersucker, vanilla flavored drinks, U2 (or Oasis), golf, grapes with seeds, people who claim Pynchon is their favorite writer, and celebrity sex tapes.

      1. This is harder, apparently I’m more easily annoyed. Enforce: Reasonable airfare/baggage pricing, Cheap Trick’s induction into the Hall of Fame, the full spelling of words, the oxford comma, and the fortunes in fortune cookies (mine are always excellent, but never come true).

      2. Have to disagree about the oxford comma, but then that’s ’cause it’s less common/accepted in Brit Eng.

        You’ll appreciate what I did there.

        Good Feeling is ace.

      3. Cute.

        I like the equal emphasis, parallel structure, and visual clarity that the oxford comma provides. Using it is divisive here (maybe a 50/50 split).

    1. I see what you did there….and I like it.

      At risk of taking you far too literally, I think it’s acceptable to comment with a link to a particular page or post as long as it’s relevant to whatever you were reading.

      But if it’s just a general link to your blog then yes that’s annoying.

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