Here’s a fun-for-a-given-value-of-fun game next time you’re in the pub and run out of things to say to your companions. I call it ‘dictator’. For reasons we don’t need to get into here, you’ve become the king/queen of the world, a benevolent overlord and/or vicious tyrant.
The object of the game is to make a list of the petty things you would ban and/or the petty things you would make people do, for no reason other than the fact that you can. You then exchange your list with a friend’s. Then you bicker drunkenly into the night about how ridiculously petty your friend is and how it’s a damn good thing that your friend isn’t king/queen of the world because, frankly, what’s so bad about Pinterest?
If I were king of the world, here’s what I’d ban:
- Pinot Grigio
- People who talk too much about how fond they are of cheese (camembert is demonstrably not the same thing as an orgasm)
- Any talk of a sequel to Bladerunner
- Any sequel to Bladerunner
- Chalk-striped suits and polyester generally
- Media coverage of the Twitter spats of minor celebrities engaged in a ritual dance of mutual self-promotion
And here’s what I’d make happen:
- I’d require newspapers with which I disagree feature a large disclaimer on the front page explaining how the entire contents of the paper are fictional, even the bits that are true
- I’d change the British national anthem to When the Brits Come Rolling Back by Tom Robinson
- And the American one to the version Hendrix played at Woodstock
- Calamari in elementary/primary school meals – squid breed like absolute bastards, so we might as well all get a taste for them when we’re young
- Standardised power cables for all electronics across the world, because I keep losing mine
- I’d require some level of production values on the deliberately leaked sex tapes of minor celebrities engaged in a ritual dance of self-promotion. Because if you’re gonna’ do it, you might as well do it properly
And please do feel free to share your own lists – don’t pretend you’re not as self-righteous as everyone else on the internet.