5 Pitches For The Worst Movie Ever Made

In which Frood makes it clear why Hollywood won’t return his calls.

1)    Georgia Boy

In a world of 11 point font, justified text Arial and Calibri for emails, 1 man is willing to stand out and be counted.  Next spring, 1 man will make the difference.  In April 2014, that man is… Georgia Boy.

 

According to some critics, Movie 43 might be the worst film ever made.  It goes beyond being so bad it’s good to being so bad it’s merely…bad.  Worse than Ed Wood movies bad; worse even than Michael Winner, God rest his soul.

And applying some mathematics to it, here’s why – Hall Pass, Say It Isn’t So and Shallow Hal had 2 Farrelly brothers, Movie 43 had only 1 and must therefore be only half as good as those films.

But of course it’s fighting against a long and ignoble tradition with all the entrenched interests that suggests – in this case the likes of Showgirls and Battlefield: Earth.

2)    Barrack Of Ages

Musical biopic of the 44th president.  Highlights include such memorable songs as Standing On The Dock Of Guantanamo Bay and I Got 99 Problems But A Mitt Ain’t One.

Apparently it’s crass, racist, deeply offensive in every way and utterly insensitive in even more ways. But otherwise, a couple of studios remain quite interested.

 

Pearl Harbour has its cheerleaders for being among the worst ever, but it doesn’t count because it was a roaring financial success.  This arguably conclusively proves something awful about the public’s taste only hinted at by the enduring popularity of whatever you, cherished reader, consider tackiest.

Then there are movies such as 2003’s The Room, once-serious films retrofitted as exercises in kitsch (no, seriously guys, we totally meant it as a…a black comedy).  ‘So bad it’s good’ remains a badge of a particular kind of quality – it’s awful, but you’ll love it.  In rare cases (such as The Room) this results in dedicated screenings for cult followers many years later.

3)    Poultry-geist

A hard-boiled horror film.  There’s something fowl about the house at the end of the road – chicken kievs dance the Macarena, drumsticks float in the night and attack the children.  A fried egg leaves the pan and transforms into a poached egg.

As the mysterious pranks become more severe and violent, the residents reach an egg-streme conclusion.  The house is haunted, and they must shell out for an eggs-orcist. 

That’s all yolks.

 

Incidentally, according to that fountain of dubious, apocryphal knowledge, Wikipedia, the word ‘kitsch’ was birthed in the Munich art markets of the mid-19th century.  It denoted cheap and popular images – easily marketable and capable of mass production.  Given that cultural value and commercial viability tend to make uneasy bedfellows, it’s easy enough to assume that kitsch was meant to be derogatory.  Who says I never learn you nothin’?

A century on (give or take), in the 1960s, kitsch became cool.  Adam West’s Batman epitomised this – day-glo camp, knowingly tacky.  The stuffy snobbery of high culture with its increasingly esoteric nature gave way to the vaguely ironic (but still chin stroking) consumption of precisely the sort of crap that’s bad for you.

4)    Domestic Avengers

The house is a mess, with guests due to arrive shortly.  The Incredible Bulk is sitting on the couch drinking and watching Sky Sports News.  Because the only thing better than watching sport on the tv is watching people who are watching sport on the tv.

But don’t dial for divorce yet, misogynistically-characterised housewife, because the Domestic Avengers are here to save the day.  There’s Thor the Flashguard-ian who can hammer through tough kitchen stains and Ironing Man whose mk IV armour comes with an improved steam function. 

And something about Captain America.

NB: The Fantastic Floor and Dirt-devil wanted in, but their rights are owned by Fox, so they couldn’t.  Except that Dirt-devil’s rights have reverted back to Marvel so he could have been involved, but it’s still too soon since that ghastly Ben Affleck movie, so he couldn’t.

 

But the worst movie of all time can’t really hope to play Batman and Robin at its own game and win.  Maybe the trick is to think outside the box – there are enough blockhead blockbusters on the list already.

Maybe it’s time to take the fight to the Academy, to make a period piece adaptation of a classic work of literature that manages to misinterpret the source material in the worst way.  Baz Luhrmann to direct, sneer sneer, snark snark.

5)    Madame Aviary

A beautiful if feckless birdhouse distracts herself from a loveless marriage to a provincial doctor by getting herself repainted and reupholstered, before engaging in a torrid affair with Springwatch presenter, Bill Oddie (Derek Jacobi). 

Sigh, fine: he saw her tits and couldn’t wait to get inside her. 

Next time on Frood: get ready for the canned laughter as we outline our ‘odd couple’ Silicone Valley sitcom, That’s So Siri!!!, coming soon for a given value of ‘soon’.

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9 thoughts on “5 Pitches For The Worst Movie Ever Made

  1. So I’ve started reading The Bonfire of the Vanities and the book is remarkable if only for the sheer amount of exclamation points used in one novel. It’s a bit disturbing really. I tend to read sentences that end with exclamation points with a certain amount of gleeful happiness and I’m not sure that is what Wolfe was going for. But I haven’t finished it yet, so maybe…

    To somehow make this relevant to your post: I don’t particularly like kitsch and Baz Luhrmann directed one of my favorite romantic comedies (Strictly Ballroom, no sneering here). I suppose neither of those things is really relevant. Sorry.

    1. Pssh relevance is over-rated.

      I like to think that Wolfe likes to use exclamation marks because apparently you’re not supposed to if you want to be taken seriously as a human being.

      1. True! Apparently there are 2,343 exclamation in the novel – didn’t count myself…

        Serious human beings don’t have anything to exclaim over, unless it’s tragedy, and then any exclamations would be inappropriate. i think the use of exclamation points falls third in the list of not being taken seriously, after refusing to use any capitals and the use of acronyms for words.

      2. You are not to be taken seriously as a human being, obviously.

        In the interest of irrelevance:

        Although nearly no one (possibly including you) appreciates my extensive, if inane knowledge of trivia, July 3rd is the day that Back to the Future was released in the US and the day Mark Sandman died. Now you know, if you didn’t already – had to share with someone who would know what I was talking about. You’re welcome.

      3. I knew the Sandman one, not the BTTF one, but thanks for the trivia sharing.

        If the world shared more trivia I think we’d be in a happier place. Fact.

      4. I’m going to take you seriously and say I agree (rare opinion though, because I’m fairly certain it drives most people crazy).

        Jim Morrison and Andy Griffith too.

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