Yes, yes, no one really ‘does’ hard copies of film, music and tv any more except the REALLY cool kids who are now back on videotape because analogue is just more real. Reel to reel is where it’s at, of course; that and 8 track cassettes. But who really has the time?
And here’s one reason why no one does hard copies any more:
So I couldn’t help but notice you own a copy of Moulin Rouge. And the Da Vinci Code? Come on – watching the film is almost as bad as reading the book. And 9 series of ER, really?
OK so you’ve got The Lost Boys on your shelf. Snaps on hitting your quota of cultish 80s-ness that’s too widely disseminated and financially successful to be justifiably called ‘cult’. On a related note, I didn’t see Bladerunner anywhere. I assume you must have lent it out to someone. No need for you to clarify. Seriously.
Face Off! That film is terrible; I love it. That bit where they have the slow motion gun fight soundtracked by Somewhere Over The Rainbow, did you ever hear Jeff Beck’s version of it he plays live sometimes? Oh dear you can’t have intended to see The Descent more than once, can you? Oh look, Glee. Not to be a dick but I thought you were a guy? Oh it’s your wife’s, sure it is, buddy. Pal.
Little Ren and Stimpy reference for you there. Oh wait, you never really ‘got’ Ren and Stimpy, did you? Incidentally, is that Spongebob Squarepants? Were you hit in the head a lot as a child? Event Horizon? Are you still absolutely sure you weren’t hit in the head a lot as a child?
Oh look, an anniversary edition of Dirty Dancing. Nobody puts Swayze in the coroner. Sorry, that was uncalled for.
I suppose the Home Alone movies are your wife’s too. Now I love nostalgia as much as the next closet racist homophobe who got buggered senseless at boarding school and still yearns for the days of empire, but seriously, you’re almost 30. You shouldn’t be watching movies based on the lives of small boys. Or anything by Disney even if we did both have a weird thing for Princess Jasmine when we were eight. Or the Narnia movies. Why do you own the Narnia movies? Why does anyone? Even the books are fucking terrible. There, I’ve said it. Yes they are. I can’t believe my iPad autocorrected ‘fucking’ to an entirely different word. And again.
And The Mummy? Jeez, you’ll watch that rotting, raggedy corpse of a film but I suggest George Of The Jungle one time and you come over all ‘Brendan Fraser is a punishment for theft in some cultures’. And no Airheads either. Actually, what do you have against the 90s anyway? No Wayne’s World or True Romance; no Clueless. No, YOU’RE clueless. Well you do have Home Alone I suppose so it’s not like you just hate the 90s.
And speaking of Mike Myers – what happened to your Austin Powers movies, I thought you loved those? Your wife make you get rid? What, to make room for ‘her’ Dawson’s Creek boxed set that you’ve had since before you two were dating? You gonna’ blame her for all of it? Because I honestly can’t imagine she’d have bought 2 copies of Titanic.
You do know I’ve met your wife, right?
Come to think of it I do like James Van Der Beek in that tv show about that bitch in that apartment and she’s really hot and also she was in that movie with Alice Eve we watched that one time…Fantastic Four? That’s worse than owning Hocus Pocus. Ah. Never mind.
And what’s that next to it? Bend It Like Beckham. More like you’re a bender like Beckham. Oh come on that’s definitely worth a high five. Suit yourself. Actually, I take it back anyway – you lost your high five privileges whenever it was you paid actual money for K-Pax. And Grease.
Ok I actually believe that one’s your wife’s.
So what do you want to watch, anyway? I don’t mind – I’m pretty easygoing.