Bennifer has long since been consigned to Closer magazine’s archives division, but the proud tradition of mashing up the names of romantically entwined heavenly bodies of the celebriverse lives on. Brangelina, Speidi, Kimye; Simon Cowell.
Sadly, the firmament appears to operate a rigid caste system based on star wattage. Most mono-monikered star couples seem too cowed or unimaginative to incorporate asymmetries of fame – red dwarf pairs with red dwarf, nova with nova.
A supernova with a white dwarf? Not only unthinkable but against nature. You might as well ask Betelgeuse to pursue a tryst with a goat.
This is clearly anomalous in our latter-days-of-the-Roman-Empire culture where anything goes. In order to upset the balance of the force, then, here are some proposals for new power couples. Public Relations bods looking for a coup take note. Should that be ‘Pubic Relations’ given the subject matter?
Interests align for Kung Fu Buddhist Steven Seagal and massive multiplayer online role player World of Warcraft. A world of pain for orcs, trolls, non-vegetarians and illegal entrants to Arizona, where Seagal is an honorary sheriff. Innocent bystander dogs may wish to give this couple a wide berth.
Catherine Zeta-Jones and the Rolling Stones. Existing partners notwithstanding, of course. There’s nothing to say about this that would not wildly overstep the bounds of taste and decency.
Blonder than blonde London mayor Boris Johnson and Swedish actress Ingrid Bergman (of Casablanca fame). Would have to be entirely manufactured, sorry, speculated on by the gossip rags, mind, given Bergman sadly passed away in 1982. But if a time machine could be arranged, they’d give some seriously frothy copy. A boon for any features editor.
Sometime Super Mario Bros antagonist Wario and Winona Ryder. Were they spotted canoodling over a dastardly plan to steal Princess Peach? She certainly stole his heart. One denies any malicious or potentially libellous content in the previous 2 sentences, naturally. In any case, such events as you may be picturing occurred long ago in the past and as such are utterly irrelevant (although they did make me love her even more).