‘Sleb Power Couple Jam

Bennifer has long since been consigned to Closer magazine’s archives division, but the proud tradition of mashing up the names of romantically entwined heavenly bodies of the celebriverse lives on.  Brangelina, Speidi, Kimye; Simon Cowell.

Sadly, the firmament appears to operate a rigid caste system based on star wattage.  Most mono-monikered star couples seem too cowed or unimaginative to incorporate asymmetries of fame – red dwarf pairs with red dwarf, nova with nova.

A supernova with a white dwarf?  Not only unthinkable but against nature.  You might as well ask Betelgeuse to pursue a tryst with a goat.

This is clearly anomalous in our latter-days-of-the-Roman-Empire culture where anything goes.  In order to upset the balance of the force, then, here are some proposals for new power couples.  Public Relations bods looking for a coup take note.  Should that be ‘Pubic Relations’ given the subject matter?

Seaworld

Interests align for Kung Fu Buddhist Steven Seagal and massive multiplayer online role player World of Warcraft.  A world of pain for orcs, trolls, non-vegetarians and illegal entrants to Arizona, where Seagal is an honorary sheriff.  Innocent bystander dogs may wish to give this couple a wide berth.

Zeta-Stone

Catherine Zeta-Jones and the Rolling Stones.  Existing partners notwithstanding, of course.  There’s nothing to say about this that would not wildly overstep the bounds of taste and decency.

Boring

Blonder than blonde London mayor Boris Johnson and Swedish actress Ingrid Bergman (of Casablanca fame).  Would have to be entirely manufactured, sorry, speculated on by the gossip rags, mind, given Bergman sadly passed away in 1982.  But if a time machine could be arranged, they’d give some seriously frothy copy.  A boon for any features editor.

Warinona Ryder

Sometime Super Mario Bros antagonist Wario and Winona Ryder.  Were they spotted canoodling over a dastardly plan to steal Princess Peach?  She certainly stole his heart.  One denies any malicious or potentially libellous content in the previous 2 sentences, naturally.  In any case, such events as you may be picturing occurred long ago in the past and as such are utterly irrelevant (although they did make me love her even more).

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8 thoughts on “‘Sleb Power Couple Jam

  1. Who representin’ da man-love? How about an epic, multi-racial, multi-temporal 3-way between an ostentatiously bearded Marxist, an Anglo-Indian crooner and a Victorian allegorist? I call it EngelsBert HumperDickens

  2. Saccente.

    Sacha Baron Cohen and the Center for Disease Control. In an effort to prevent the further spread of the hedgehog to human outbreak of salmonella, Baron Cohen could promote, in a publicly acceptable and accessible manner, the thorough washing of hands (with water AND soap) after handling said animal.

    (Saccente: Italian for smart-ass.)

    1. Unfortunately CDC is forced to dump Baron Cohen after he is deemed culpable for thousands of deaths as members of the public felt his warnings were just satire and accordingly failed to change their habits.

      But he bounces back with a romance with a Canadian crooner name of Leonard. They are duly dubbed ‘Cohens’ by the press as in “Cohens was seen at Leicester Square for the opening night of the latest Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the midlife crisis.”

      1. After a rare public display of discord at a recent movie premiere, Cohens has split – to the relief and delight of music fans everywhere.

        In an effort to salvage his reputation, Cohen reconnects with his old friend Bob Dylan. Their mutual admiration leads to their union, thus creating a monopoly on musical influence from the 1960’s. The press appropriately, if confusingly, christens them Dylen.

        The legendary duo has reserved one wing of their home for housing their large collection awards. Dylen refuses to comment on their being shut out of 2013’s Grammy nominations, though rumors persist of their outrage.

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