A Valentine’s Day To Die Hard

“It’s a difficult title. A Good Day To Die Hard? It’s like, have a sandwich and let’s go shopping – then Die Hard,”

Bruce Willis there on the BBC’s One Show.  On the off-chance you’re unclear, yes he was promoting the latest installment in a Die Hard franchise that’s 4 films too long, A Good Day To Die Hard.

Our Brucie’s since taken a bit of flack for his lacklustre appearance on the One Show.  The man himself has apologised, blaming jetlag for making him as stale as, well, as Die Hard 4.0.  Yes he was as ramblingly dull as his new movie’s supposed to be, but he’s been perhaps a little unfair on jetlag. After all, have you ever seen the One Show?  Exactly.

Just remembered that Caroline Flack doesn’t present the One Show.  So that was a waste of a perfectly good pun.

Sorry, just nodded off for a moment there thinking about the One Show.

Today is Valentine’s Day, which means those of you in relationships will have been pressured to buy all kindsa’ crap to prove via the medium of financial transaction that you care about one another.  Me, I’m taking my modem out for dinner.  Who says jokes about onanism can’t also be thinkers?

Some of you will inevitably disappoint: you know (s)he doesn’t like blah, how could you be so insensitive?

Or maybe you didn’t book the restaurant in time, or offered to make a meal but forgot about that crucial allergy.  No one looks their best under the neon glare of emergency room lights.  Especially not with a throat swollen like a frog mid-mating ritual.

Or maybe you took it really seriously even though (s)he’s not quite there yet because it’s only been a week.

Or maybe you took a stand against the consumer-driven commerciality of a manufactured anniversary that is inherently meaningless.  And it’s all a waste of money anyway.  Your principles don’t look so good when (s)he’s crying on the sofa, right?

Maybe you forgot it was Valentine’s Day.

If any of the above applies to you, fear not for help is at hand.  Instead of panic-buying petrol station flowers and a box of milk tray, or going all out with a 6 foot teddy bear with a nauseating message carved into its chest…

Never thought of it like that, did you?  Pretty macabre…

Instead of the tears and recriminations and burn marks from the sauté pan or the condescension of a maitre d’ “Oh I’m sorry, we must’ve…lost…your reservation.”

Instead of all that, don’t even bother, especially if your other half takes it all a bit too seriously.  Just take your significant other to the cinema to watch A Good Day To Die Hard, and afterwards I promise you’ll have forgotten whatever it was you were supposed to be fighting about.

“You know, I’m still pissed off at you but fuck me that was a ghastly/frickin’ awesome movie.”

And then you get to have angry make up sex, which is the best kind.  I only want what’s best for you.

Yippee Kay Yai and all that.

You might even see me at the cinema – I’ll be the one in the stained vest.  But that’s nothing to do with the film; I’m just a disgusting slob.

4 thoughts on “A Valentine’s Day To Die Hard

  1. It is posts like these that make me want to click that follow button, and then I see I’ve already clicked it and I pat my past-self on the back for her good taste. So win-win, and all that. Thanks.

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