On Becoming Freshly Pressed And Stuff

Something a little unusual happened to me today.  I checked my blog stats, which I’ve done with a fanatical obsession since I discovered how to do it.  Now on a really good day I might break double figures, which is both good and bad for my ever-expanding ego depending on your point of view.

Today it read 70-odd.  And it carried on going up.  Seriously, I’d had more clickety clicks today than some months.

Right at this moment I’ve had the same number of views as I did in the whole of August, and more than September.   No, scratch that, now more than October.  November is the only mountain still needs climbing, and I only got to that number by pestering countless people with comments.

Well I freaked, I mean you would, right?  4 views to…well.

Turns out the kindly WordPress folk fancied pressing my blog on Jonas Jonasson’s The Hundred Year Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window And Disappeared.  Freshly.   So thank you very much, WordPress folk, much obliged.  Now where do I get me one of them thar fancy buttons?

In all seriousness, I am incredibly touched.  Turns out there is some life beneath my crusty, cynical shell.  Wait, is that a heart I feel beating?  Surely not.  But being nothing if not a stereotype – think Hugh Grant from 4 Weddings without the charm, I can only express this gratitude, these…feelings… in the form of mildly self-deprecatory, weak-ass humour.

Luckily I wrote an Oscar acceptance speech some years ago that merits adapting:

First off, I’d like to thank my producers – you guys were the wind beneath my wings.  I stand here on legs of fire, as the king of the world, and without your savvy I couldn’t be here today. 

Secondly, I’d like to thank the director, for taking a chance on an unknown kid – I know we didn’t always see eye to eye and for what it’s worth I’m sorry for pulling that knife on you even if it was just a prop.  I’m also sorry I called you a specious cretin unworthy of my time, energy and thespianic genius.  But sheesh, we got there – you and me, the king and his…director.

I’d like to thank my co-stars – you guys!  Remember, we’ll always have Excelsior!! (pause here for impromptu giggle fit over the in-joke that awful woman came up with but she’s a Dame so you had to smile)

I’d like to thank my parents (start to tear up a bit), you…you really are responsible for everything.  My wife: I don’t know what I’d do without your guiding light (try and keep a straight face, no one needs to know you’re getting a divorce).  My kids (if I have any).

The sponsors, I know people didn’t necessarily ‘get’ what you do (see also: producers) but we’re so indebted to you, I’m so indebted to you.  You more than anyone else gave me the chance to showcase my craft, a craft I’ve been honing since I first saw myself in a unitard and thought “hey, you could be an actor with those calves.  And those glutes, wow.”

Last but not least, I’d like to thank the fire department, the good folk at Universal Studios Florida and the people at McDonalds for taking their time with those egg McMuffins without which I might never be tardy.

And lastly, actually lastly this time, I’d like to thank you.  Every last one of you – this Best Actor Oscar is for you.  You make it all worthwhile.  And if you want to be an actor, I say go for it – it’s the single most important and wonderful and vital thing that anyone could ever do. 

And remember: do or do not: there is no try.

Thanks.

Totally unexpected, made my year.

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18 thoughts on “On Becoming Freshly Pressed And Stuff

      1. Absolutely. And it makes for great tabloid material: God was really upset when when DrFrood forgot to thank him in his acceptance speech.

      2. Don’t knock it – look what happened to John Lennon. The knock-on effects of his infamous bigger than Jesus comment were so severe that in 1979 he wrote Beautiful Boy.

        Which was just awful.

  1. Well that post was particularly good, though I am loath to admit it (lest I inflate your ego even more) . I was playing a nerdy version of mad libs the other day and I choose picaresque (go here if you’re so inclined to read the results), so you can add inspirational to your ever growing list of achievements.

      1. Ah Rory, Rory, this crazy world we live in…I’ve had business cards made up: Poet, Visionary, Polymath: Legend and King among men.

        Had to – people are asking me to bless their children, to file their tax returns. John Galliano asked me to be his muse if they ever let him back into fashion designing. I’ve fielded telephone calls from Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, President Obama, Robin Williams. I’ve been offered my own cooking show. It’s crazy pressure.

        Re: your mad lib ‘who promises to schmooze ankles with her if she’d let him soar her bunny’ sounds disgusting but I want to try it.

      2. Before you get carried away, you might want to ask yourself if you’ve been contacted by the author of the top three bestselling books of 2012. Just something to think about…

    1. Time works differently on trains. Especially today when English Trains’ grand nemesis reared its ugly head: a small quantity of snow. Aaargh my only weakness, my kryptonite etc.

      That and leaves anyway.

      1. The important thing to remember though is that no man or train should ever have to face slightly challenging weather, so the 6% increase in ticket prices (or whatever they’re stinging you for) is totes worth it.

      2. Constant delays then? Feel your pain. I’ve already contacted the board of tourism:

        Welcome to London: we think you’re some kind of epithet.

        I think it’ll catch on

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