I Wish I Were A Was

Was is great – he was feeling hungry so he ate a royale with cheese because it was Europe and they use the metric system and accordingly wouldn’t know what a quarter pounder is.  And he had a glass of beer, no plastic cups; an actual glass.

It was bliss.

If I were a was I’d mostly stick to the past participle rather than other, more exotic grammatical forms.  Oh, and preferably I’d be a was in New York in the late 60s so I could watch the Velvet Underground play live.

But occasionally I might decide to be part of a longer word instead, sort of like a collective.  Wasp probably wouldn’t be too pleasant what with people swatting at you and having to keep the local fly population down and all, except in late summer when the fallen fruit starts to rot and ferment and we get a little drunk.  Me and P.

That’s why wasps typically become more aggressive in late summer – because they’re mean drunks.  True story.

Or I could be George Washington, which might be nice, or a washerwoman, which sounds like hard work.

Or I could walk around backwards and be a saw.  Either way I’d be worth six points in a game of Scrabble.

To be honest, if I were a was I’d probably bully were out of sentences – I wish I was a star, for example, because while I might have a reasonable grasp of the rules of grammar, I prefer to ignore them in the hope they’ll go away.  Not unlike bullies, incidentally.  It’s how I was brought up.

Better to be a was than a were – they don’t call them waswolves after all.  Besides, there’s something faintly accusatory about were, a bit high-minded: oh you WERE, were you?  No, I wouldn’t swap being a was for a were any day.

Speaking of swapping, perhaps it might be fun to mix around my letters rather than sticking rigidly with the W A S plan.  I could be part of a swap.  Me and P.

And that in turn leads me to what else I could be if I were a was with a loose approach to letter order.  I could be all kinds of useful objects instead of just being wasted: a doctor’s swab, a lawsuit, an animal’s paws.  Me and P.

Wouldn’t even need to keep all my letters together.  That could be awesome.

Unfortunately I’m not a was, I’m a were.  On the plus side, I’m worth 7 points in Scrabble.  Take that, was.

And another thing, was, stop nicking my place when it comes to the subjunctive mood, was.

Punk.

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