I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Away From The Microphone

I’m Samuel L. Jackson, muthafukka!!  Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up!!

That Romney reptile muthafukka wants you to make him president, well NOT!! TODAY!!!!

We gotta get these muthafukkin snakes AWAY from the White House!!!…VOTE!! 


Oh I’m sorry…did I wake you the fuck up?


Quick march, to the USA presidential elections.  The internet tells me that Samuel L. Jackson is recording a film urging the masses to vote Obama.  Said video is being funded by the same Super PAC that paid for Sarah Silverman to offer a free lesbian sex show to Sheldon Adelson, billionaire, if he stopped supporting Romney.  Apparently it’s due on Youtube on 24 September.  I’m excited.  You are too.

Nothing to do with the relative merits of Obama and Romney, you understand.

Car insurance spokesdog Winston Churchill famously said of democracy that it’s the worst form of government except for all the others.  Rather less famously, he also said that a compelling argument against democracy is a short conversation with the average voter.  If he were alive today, and enjoyed the privilege of watching the USA presidential elections currently unfolding, he’d undoubtedly have replaced the word ‘voter’ with the word ‘celebrity’.

I had intended simply to list all the celebrities I could remember and faithfully record their execrable public remarks so that we could all share a good laugh at their expense.  But that would require some semblance of balance, and most of the truly laughable stuff has come from the mouths of Republican leaning ‘celebs.  Besides which, we know ‘em all by heart.

One might suggest that the only reasonable response to it all is to sigh and move on; we are all, after all, entitled to the free space between our ears in which to have thoughts.  And Americans have a constitutionally protected right to voice said thoughts, even if basic decency suggests that one perhaps ought to bite one’s tongue on occasion – ‘Muslim’ is not and should never be used as a pejorative term, Hank Williams Jr.

Nevertheless.  Voting Obama won’t condemn your children to 1,000 years of darkness, Chuck and Mrs Norris.  For a start, I doubt your offspring or those of other Americans will live that long.  Referencing a Reagan speech was a nice touch though.  Socialistic isn’t a word, Jon Voight, and Obama isn’t pursuing a Marxist agenda; that’s an unambiguous misuse of ‘Marxist’.  As for Romney intending to start (technically) illegal wars on dubious pretexts in part to enrich his corporate chums, Alec Baldwin I believe you’re confusing the terms ‘Romney’ and ‘George W Bush’.

Roseanne Barr, unsuccessful Green Party presidential candidate, is upset on account of how Obama’s federal troops have been nicking her (medical) marijuana, or are trying to do so at any rate. 

Did you also just picture the wrong kind of Green Party?

To be clear, the standout aspect of Romney’s persona thus far, other than his remarkable ability verbally to kick himself in the balls, is that no one is remotely sure where he actually stands on anything at all.  There’s just some guff about you and your family and here’s that Ryan fellow to reassure you hard-line social darwinist wannabes.  By the by, Romney’s record as governor reveals him to have been rather more moderate in practice than the GOP campaign debates might lead you to believe.  His critics are hell-bent on pinning on him the worst elements of the rabid fringes of his party, however misleading that might in fact be.

And while Romney may share 99% of his DNA with a 1920s fat cat from a political cartoon, Obama ain’t exactly a pauper.  Other people who weren’t paupers: JFK, both Roosevelts, the Bushes, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton.  The President is almost invariably rich enough to be completely out of touch with everyone who isn’t also a potentially viable presidential candidate.  And the reason for this is simple – getting elected costs a lot of money.  This requires having rich friends and acquaintances to give you money, and said rich people trusting you with their money, because no one stays rich for long by throwing money away frivolously.  Rich people are infamously loath to give money to people who aren’t rich in their own right, if only because people who aren’t rich might have funny ideas about wealth.

You might be the bestest and greatest presidential candidate the world has ever seen – not hard given what the GOP nomination process vomited up this time around.  But if you don’ts gots the greenbacks to buy the airtime, no one will hear about you, and even the hard of thinking are unlikely to vote for someone they’ve never heard of.

Ironically enough, there’s a good argument in the book Freakonomics that beyond getting one’s face out there, money doesn’t actually significantly shift election results despite what candidates and the general public are led to believe.  This is to say that however much money you spend, if you’re unelectable, you’re unelectable und zo weiter.  See also: Robert Dole.

But back to this Sam Jackson video business and why it’s great news.  I imagine that Sammy J won’t be messing around pretending like he has a full grasp of reality unlike the efforts of most other celebrities.   He’s made approximately 500,000 movies in his career to date; the man clearly doesn’t have the time to dick around what with all those Marvel film cameos to timetable.  No, instead he’s going to shout and swear and rant and rave and it’ll be mighty impressive and people will lap it up.  The reason I know it’ll be awesome?  There’s a legal principle called res ipsa loquitur, which is a pompous way of saying the facts speak for themselves.  You don’t have any bad Latin with which to rebut me, do you?  No you don’t.  As they say in How I Met Your Mother, you just got lawyered.

Put another way, Jackson was even watchable in Jumper, which is a movie otherwise lacking in any positive characteristics whatsoever.

If money doesn’t shift elections, then this celebrity junk certainly doesn’t – no one listens to Joan Rivers telling you to pay for your own damn medical care and thinks “golly, Joan, you’re not just a gifted stand-up, you’re also right.  I was going to vote Democrat, but I shall change my voting intention forthwith.”  Don’t believe me?  The philosopher Hume used to say “you can convince me of whatever shizzle you want, G, in half an hour I’ll just go back to believing whatever I already did anyhow.”  You just got philosophered.

We could get self-righteously angry at all this lunk-headed posturing by people who play make-believe for a living or otherwise flail about in the shallower end of the culture pool.  Instead, for the sake of our collective blood pressure, I suggest we simply sit back and relax.  Let’s enjoy the few genuinely entertaining moments like S.L.J.’s promises to be and smile indulgently at the sillier ones, all the while consciously ignoring the glaring fact that these people not only have but presumably exercise the right to vote.

Dear Americans, sorry for writing about your election.


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